The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
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Close call…
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes