Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
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Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.