Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
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never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”