In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
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British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Cats are still liquid.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best