19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
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my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My inexpensive home security system…
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
The Weeknd is back
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.