Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
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I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Friday night party time 🥳
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁