If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
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*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear