Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.