My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
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Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
There are no pants in heaven.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Don’t we all.