My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
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My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks