*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
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Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean