for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
when someone compliments me
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that