Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
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[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
I am crying
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
shut up and take my money
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.