I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
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Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
A leaf blower, but for people.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.