Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
You Might Also Like
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Jogging
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”