I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Cashiers are always checking me out
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.