Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
You Might Also Like
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
i love meeting boys on tinder
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.