[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
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[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Thrilling chase underway
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?