In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
not for long
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won