boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
You Might Also Like
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.