[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
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Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
no one ever comes back
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.