When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
You Might Also Like
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
no