2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
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Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.