What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
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How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
remember
only for emergencies
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present