Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.