The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.