[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
You Might Also Like
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
idk what he going thru but i feel him
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.