If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
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[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
How it started: How it’s going:
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go