Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
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I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
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SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
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Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
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Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
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Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID