kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
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I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.