In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.