Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉