Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Autocorrect is my menesis
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Spotted in New Orleans.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
Banking tips
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.