Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.