I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
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If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?