she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
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My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Y’all ready for this
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?