Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
You Might Also Like
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet