I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
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How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Storm Tropical Storm
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.