person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
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OH. COME. ON.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
bury ourselves
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]