I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.