me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife