Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
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Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Self-cleaning conscience
Geez man, take it easy.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Unexpected Judgment
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.