her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
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Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Love this one 😂🧟
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of