*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
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WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.