I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
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Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Buck naked
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
being a writer on Twitter:
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]