Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Go girl power!
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this