Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
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who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar