Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
twitter users today:
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.