“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
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My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Travel bloggers during quarantine
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet