How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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those birds must be on payroll
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Sharon I have some bad news
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.